i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
