Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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