All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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