piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
