Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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