Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
