I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
