just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
