he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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