dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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