Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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