What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
