I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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