Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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