If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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