My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
