I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
