Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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