I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My liver just had a heart attack.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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