Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
