Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
