i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
