i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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