do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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