You can't special order awesome
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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