i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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