i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
