I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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