dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
