In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We were destined to go to rehab together
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
