So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
