I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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