i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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