i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
