boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
