I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
