What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize