1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
