i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
