i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
