We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
