Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
