I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
How's work?
Spinning.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
