i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Houston, we have a blender
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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