I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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