Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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