just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
