I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Four minutes until I can fart!
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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