he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize