So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
