My room smells like vodka and shame
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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