theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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