i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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