I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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