I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
