I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
