Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
