Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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