sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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