I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
