i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
