I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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