and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
