no you cant smoke seaweed
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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