Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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