Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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