when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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