I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
