Apparently you make a good broom.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
