Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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